Thursday, October 8, 2009
The First Snow
Today we had our first big snow. It snowed very lightly for about 5 minutes yesterday but today it really snowed. It started out light and got heavier and thicker and more fluffy. I don't really know why I am writing about this or why it is at all significant but for some reason it has some how touched me. I am not a winter person and i usually cry or get really sad at the sight of the first snow. yesterday I did. It was almost in a mood of discust; which is usually how I find myself feeling about it. But, this time it was different. I can't really understand how I feel towards it. I feel emotional but yet I'm not sure if it's a sadness or a holiness or somewhere in between and now, looking back, maybe this is how I've always felt towards snow. Maybe its not a "discustment" towards it as much as a feeling that I just am unable to understand so I dissociate myself from it. I wish I could somehow explain this but for some reason I am unable to communicate in human words what it is I feel towards snow. It's almost as if it's calling something out of me; as if it some how is God's reverence coming down upon me. it almost feels freeing but in a way that is beyond words or actions... wow! i never thought I would say something quite like this
Monday, October 5, 2009
~College life~ where I stand right now
So I have been here for over a month now and it is so nice; beautiful environment and nice people and great classes and profs! I love the challenge of a new land , 2 provinces away from my family and friends back home and the opportunities that being here presents me with. Today I am so exhausted for some reason thought. I went to do some reading for my english class and clonked out as soon as i finished it for like 2 hours! I have so much other work to get done but for some reason..it is just not happening.
After arriving here, I feel as if all of these "life questions" are coming into my mind and heart and I hate not having answers in my life. I am one of those people who just has to know and I have so many things that I feel the need to figure out, so many things that I want to sort out in my mind. One thing that has been on my mind is the fact that I have really felt like God wants me to go back to Mexico on another missions trip and everythng just seems to be leading to it but with college I have no idea how I will be able to afford it. Im also trying so hard to not procrastinate in my studies. After taking off a year I am just having so much difficulty making myself get my work done and staying focused on my studies. It is so frusterating because i want so badly to do well but cant make myself stay on top of things. Also, I really want to "start my life". I want to find the person that God has called me to spend my life with; the person He has for me to share my advanture with and for me to share His...but maybe...God has called me to a life of singleness but that scares me. I am trying to figure out how I am going to get home for Christmas when flight costs are so high for the holidays and trying to build and grow strong relationbships here and keep those back home. Also, trying to make myself forget about someone back home. Someone that I still care so much about..but thinking about him and caring about him gets me nowhere and only distracts me from where I stand right now..but yet I still and probably always will care about him so much...we're shared so much and yet I wonder if any of it meant anything to him at all...I have never been someone to hate at all..i, in fact usually cringe when i hear the word...I am a very loving person and am so understanding but I find myself feeling a lot of hate and anger towards many men and any man who has any traits, personality or looks that are similar to his..that is not fair at all to him or to the guys that i may express this towards...especially when I really shouldnt hate him in the first place for merely living his life...without me...for moving 0n after I left..for making me think that i meant something to him..more than any other girl..like he would want to spend his life with me...for spending so much time with me and then just throwing it all away as soon as he learns that I left the province...I often wonder if any of the things that he said were true or were merely just to see how much he could get me to open up to him..to see how much of my heart I would be willing to give to him...I feel like when I talk about this i am just being dramatic but it has consumed me so much... I also want to get into a good routine... I have so many expectations and things to work out within myself that I am going crazy..I feel like the ball in a pin ball machine..back and forth, and all over the place in my thoughts and I wish I could just make sense of them all...they say that boys have waffle brains and girls have spaghetti brains and I must confirm this to be true.
After arriving here, I feel as if all of these "life questions" are coming into my mind and heart and I hate not having answers in my life. I am one of those people who just has to know and I have so many things that I feel the need to figure out, so many things that I want to sort out in my mind. One thing that has been on my mind is the fact that I have really felt like God wants me to go back to Mexico on another missions trip and everythng just seems to be leading to it but with college I have no idea how I will be able to afford it. Im also trying so hard to not procrastinate in my studies. After taking off a year I am just having so much difficulty making myself get my work done and staying focused on my studies. It is so frusterating because i want so badly to do well but cant make myself stay on top of things. Also, I really want to "start my life". I want to find the person that God has called me to spend my life with; the person He has for me to share my advanture with and for me to share His...but maybe...God has called me to a life of singleness but that scares me. I am trying to figure out how I am going to get home for Christmas when flight costs are so high for the holidays and trying to build and grow strong relationbships here and keep those back home. Also, trying to make myself forget about someone back home. Someone that I still care so much about..but thinking about him and caring about him gets me nowhere and only distracts me from where I stand right now..but yet I still and probably always will care about him so much...we're shared so much and yet I wonder if any of it meant anything to him at all...I have never been someone to hate at all..i, in fact usually cringe when i hear the word...I am a very loving person and am so understanding but I find myself feeling a lot of hate and anger towards many men and any man who has any traits, personality or looks that are similar to his..that is not fair at all to him or to the guys that i may express this towards...especially when I really shouldnt hate him in the first place for merely living his life...without me...for moving 0n after I left..for making me think that i meant something to him..more than any other girl..like he would want to spend his life with me...for spending so much time with me and then just throwing it all away as soon as he learns that I left the province...I often wonder if any of the things that he said were true or were merely just to see how much he could get me to open up to him..to see how much of my heart I would be willing to give to him...I feel like when I talk about this i am just being dramatic but it has consumed me so much... I also want to get into a good routine... I have so many expectations and things to work out within myself that I am going crazy..I feel like the ball in a pin ball machine..back and forth, and all over the place in my thoughts and I wish I could just make sense of them all...they say that boys have waffle brains and girls have spaghetti brains and I must confirm this to be true.
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